Honoring requests for love
If love is “granted” because it is requested, is it of equal value to love that is volunteered without request? Here are my thoughts on this query.
If one loves another, and then asks that the other love them in return, I feel that such a request may belittle the love that the other person may eventually have or already felt for the requester. Because now, after the request, any love expressed could be reasoned away that is was only because it was asked for and not because they truly loved. Therefore, to maintain consistent integrity of one’s expressions of love, I think it is best that one express ones love voluntarily, and not by demand. Also, if one is just not in the true spirit to express their love at that time, I think it is better that they wait until when the feeling naturally arises instead of expressing a forced counterfeit love due to a request.
So I would not honor such a request unless I knew I could express my love voluntarily. I would explain this to the requester. This way, the requester knows that any love I ever express is always and truly genuine. On another note, I don’t think that one should have to ask another to love them to begin with. If another is going to love you, they will do it on their own, it shouldn’t have to be requested, and it should not influence your possible love for them.
22. February 2008 um 16:19
Wow. I could not agree with you more! This is the premise of my marital troubles. Certain friends keep saying that I should “tell” my husband to do the things I need and long for. But that undermines the entire point! I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want or feel the need to express their love, and if I have to request it, then it loses all value! I do express my feelings about this to him, but refuse to dictate his actions, for those must come from a desire within him. What people fail to realize is that I’m not seeking “compliance” in my relationship. I long for genuine connectedness.
Interesting post. I love it.
The Blogger Exposed’s last blog post..My New Mindset…I Hope it Sticks
22. February 2008 um 16:31
Blogger Exposed, thanks for sharing your insight and experience on this subject. It does indeed fit right in and compliment my thoughts. While I feel it is unfortunate that you are having to deal with this circumstance and I’m not sure what positive thing I can say about it, I suppose an optimisitic view is that it may be a learning experience. I really do appreciate you sharing your real world experienced example.
22. February 2008 um 16:40
I, too, share your thoughts on this subject.
I didn’t mention the “L” word until a year after I started dating my wife. Thankfully, she didn’t either. Then again, one can explicitly demonstrate love rather than verbally speaking it - and that’s what I think we did.
Love is something that cannot be forced upon another - much like faith.
Mewie’s last blog post..Prayer Pups (Fear)
22. February 2008 um 16:49
Love is definitely a choice.
Good word friend!!!
24. February 2008 um 10:15
When I was a high school senior(69), he smartest girl in my parents’ Sunday school class said, “UNLESS taught otherwise, Man tends to love those who love those he loves.” This natural inclination has centuries of pathological frustration attached, such a great fertilizer for poetry.
Brad4d’s last blog post..take you to the bridge?
24. February 2008 um 14:55
A very good point. I find so many people are disappointed only because their own expectations have let them down. Rather than realize the truth, however, they’ll be upset with the object of their expectation. Where’s the sense in that?
Lana’s last blog post..Yesterday’s Hike at Northlake
2. March 2008 um 03:46
dear travis,
not long ago the man who says he found in me the love he was ever searching for, shouted out loud (me just coming out of a very very desperate private situation):
have you ever loved me, yet? I felt so much ashamed, cause I´ve told him very softly and I also wrote four, five letters wherein I desperately bagged him to hold back his longings until i am able again to even feel and express myself honestly, I need time to heal, to recover and rediscover my innerself from being prisioned / jailed (?) and oppressed by psycho-war. It´s still not easy for him to accept, and he doubts his attraction to me much more than before, because of being the “me” I am at the moment. I stopped prooving, I decided not to force myself to say or act in a way, my spirit and soul aren´t ready for.
26. March 2008 um 12:57
To Mike (from a reaction to ‘honouring requests of love’)
I haven’t said it yet. It has been transmitted through my kiss. It has has been transferred by a little extra force during our hugs. It has been implied by text. It has been indicated through those eye to eye moments. I haven’t said it yet. It has been added to the meals I cook. It is the reason I stroke your skin. It is the joy that rises inside me when I think of you. But I still haven’t said it yet. No need for big speeches or perfect settings, let it just be there always. I love you; it’s simple.
Erm…..have I said it yet?
24. June 2008 um 06:07
Good points, but you’re still looking for the “right” thing, where no such thing exists. In not giving love when it is requested you also show that your own ego and beliefs are more important than the love that the requester needs. In the end, it’s better to forget that the person could assume the love is conditional or unconditional and rather just surrender to the persons needs. Afterall - you may want to give love at a time when the requester does not want it - for whatever reason, is it not selfish to then force your love apon the person ?
Rather let love be like water, always finding it’s balance, it is where it is needed - not because it needs to be, but because the nature of water is this. Therefore the nature of love is to be where it is needed rather than needing to be where it is. It is only your mind - the gateway, which blocks the flow of love because it has as it’s guardsman the ego, a proud servant and watchman, but hotheaded and easily bruised, afterwhich the gates will be closed and none shall pass, in or out.
J
24. June 2008 um 17:17
Excellent points Jay, which I agree with. The ego, selfishness, and pride, definitely get the best of us. And as you say, perhaps attempting to love by request even though one is not ready, could be complimenting in that the act of self sacrifice of ones own ego and beliefs against doing so, yet still doing attempting anyways could be seen as an act of love even though we thought we weren’t or couldn’t. You have caused me to reconsider my stance. Thank you.
I am a cynic in that I think that people have an underlying selfish motive whether it be conscious or unconscious. And as much as I like the idea that love could be selfless, I am skeptical. But what you have described could still be love that is selfish, so I don’t think it conflicts with my thoughts on that.